LOTR Self Help Classes!
by Raiamon
Summary: Funny self help where the LOTR characters try to sort out their problems..but can't obviously ;)
1. Chapter One! The insanity starts!

Lord of the Rings Self Help Classes-#1!  
  
Please criticize, praise, etc (  
  
*Random Self-help guy sidles in* (to be called SFG)  
  
SFG: Hello, and welcome to my self-help classes!  
  
*The LOTR characters stare at him stonily*  
  
SFG: Ahem..um yes then. So- what problems are you all having?  
  
Frodo: I'm corrupted with a wound  
  
Sam: Too many children  
  
Merry: I'm just here for the food  
  
Pippin: Hangovers  
  
Aragorn: Arwen  
  
Arwen: Dear!  
  
Boromir: I'm dead! It makes me feel unwanted (  
  
Legolas: Fangirls! Tittering giggling fangirls, they drive me nuts!  
  
Galadriel: MY lust for power and fame, my OWN!  
  
Celeborn: What the world..needs now..is love..sweet love..  
  
Galadriel: Celeborn dearie kins, MY husband, there is no love, love is all MINE  
  
SFG: So it sounds as if you all have some mighty bad problems  
  
Galadriel: Yes, but they're all MY problems, no one else's!!  
  
Merry: This is really boring, where's the food?  
  
Pippin: I've got a headache here, I want to go to bed! I'm not getting any help!  
  
Frodo: Well I'm hurting and sick from this corrupting wound, why don't you care about me?  
  
Aragorn: Oh yeah? Well look at this sorry excuse for a wife I have!  
  
Arwen: Loveipoo! I'm not satisfying enough?!  
  
Boromir: Well here I am DEAD and no one is comforting me!  
  
Sam: Hmph. I'm got thousands of children awaiting me at home, which means thousands of HORRID STINKY DIAPERS to change! All the wife does is drink and smoke and leave me with them!  
  
Legolas: I beat all of you! Fangirls are the worst! They rip your clothes and..*starts to break down* and..and..and..and..  
  
SFG: *slaps Legolas*  
  
Legolas: and stole my hair style!  
  
Galadriel: Um..actually it's mine! Everything is mine!  
  
Legolas: No way! It's mine!  
  
Galadriel: OMG LOOK FANGIRLS!  
  
Legolas: Fangirls?! OMG where?!  
  
Merry: *looks bored* Up your butt.  
  
Arwen: EWWWNESS that's gross! Legolas' butt is SO not the place for fangirls..  
  
Frodo: Actually that's where they want to be..  
  
Aragorn: Bah, no one cares about my butt! My butt is all sexy but do I have fangirls in my butt? No!  
  
Celeborn: Love people! Sweet love, hugs and kisses, Valentines year round!  
  
Pippin: Shut up and let me suffer in silence!  
  
Boromir: Once again I'm left uncared for! My body is in a river and NO ONE CARES!  
  
Legolas: *is looking around for fangirls*  
  
Merry: I'm wearing a red thong  
  
Arwen: H-huh?  
  
Aragorn: W-what?  
  
*stunned silence fills the room*  
  
SFG: OH MY GOSH HE'S CORRUPTED  
  
*pushes everyone out*  
  
Hehe, next chapter soon ( 


	2. Chapter TwoNew Characters!

*SFG sidles into the room, grinning bemusedly*  
  
SFG: Hello everyone and welcome to LOTR Self Help classes #2! Now..what are your problems?  
  
Eowyn: This snake keeps stalking me  
  
Worm: I'm not stalking you, just lovingly stalking!  
  
Eowyn: It's the same thing snake  
  
Balrog: I'm kinda smote on the mountainside at the moment, so I'm here by videophone  
  
Sauron: I'm an eye. How do you think I feel at the moment?!  
  
Boromir: I'm here again because I STILL don't have counseling on being dead!  
  
Gollum: My precioussssss...where's the precious..  
  
Theoden: I'm dead too..  
  
Boromir: Heyness! We can be dead together!  
  
Theoden: Joy! Rapture!  
  
Sauron: I'm still an eye you know..not dead..but only a eye  
  
Saruman: Well how do you think I feel?! BOTH my quests for conquest have gone down the drain! None of you know my pain! *huddles in a corner and sobs*  
  
Eowyn: -acts all sarcastic- Oh you're SO acting your age..  
  
Gollum: The precious is ours..  
  
Worm: No..the precious is mine!! You did mean that Eowyn is the precious right?  
  
Gollum: Precious..precious...  
  
Eowyn: I am SO not precious! I'm a rooting tooting fighting machine  
  
Theoden: Dear!  
  
Balrog: Well I was..until SOMEONE killed me!  
  
Saruman: Join the club sister..*sob* Gandalf ruined my life too..I feel your pain buddy..I really do.. Balrog: -acts all happy now-  
  
Eowyn: *barfs*  
  
Boromir: Oh that'll be good on your record  
  
Gollum: Precious..the precious is lost..nasty Bagginses  
  
Sauron: *blasts evil glare around the room*  
  
Theoden: *snigger* That didn't do much  
  
Saruman: SHUT IT! I need quiet right now..I really do..the world hates me..  
  
Gollum: CAN IT YOU BATTY OLD BROAD!  
  
*the whole room stops talking and stares at Gollum*  
  
Gollum *ahem* My precious..nasty Bagginses..  
  
Eowyn: Scared me there for a second..  
  
Boromir: I thought you were the very wary scary berry marry larry..  
  
Sauron: *shoots big eye thing over Boromir* My Orcs killed you once..  
  
Saruman: Oh no! This is the last straw! IT WAS MY ORCS!  
  
Sauron: Bah, you're dead, do you care?  
  
Saruman: *starts to cry* Everyone hates me *sob*  
  
Eowyn: Wow..he actually found that out?  
  
Worm: Eowynpookins..can we go now?  
  
Eowyn: DIE YOU FREAK *jumps on Worm and attacks him*  
  
Worm: OWIEKINS!  
  
Theoden: Dear! Don't fight with the other kiddies!  
  
Gollum: BURRIOTS GO BYE BYE WITH BATBIE CHRISTMAS ASPARAGUS?  
  
Balrog: He's scarier than I am..  
  
Saruman: Duh..everyone is..even me..even though I'm hated...  
  
SFG: Well that's all for today! Bye bye!  
  
*herds then out* 


	3. Chapter ThreeStill There is no Resolvanc...

LOTR Self Help Classes-Chapter Three!  
  
Self-Help Guy: Hello, and welcome to the third session of self-help for Lord of the Rings  
  
characters! Joining us today are..  
  
Gollum: The precious is ours..yesssshhh...precious..  
  
Merry: NOW I'M ANGRY  
  
Pippin: I made him angry  
  
Denethor: I'm kinda flaming..and I kinda ache everywhere from burn scars  
  
and..and..and..*sob* I got OIL in my eyes...*big huge shuddering gasp and more sobs*  
  
Random Orc: I dunno Rocky..I'm just here for the ride man..just here for the ride..  
  
Farmer Maggot: SOMEONE WAS IN MY 'SHROOMS  
  
*Hundreds of miles away Frodo Baggins cowers*  
  
Gimli: My beard got tangled up  
  
Merry: SO?!?!?! I'M ANGRY  
  
Gimli: ...  
  
Pippin: Merry..you know how this affects your ulcer! *nods knowingly*  
  
Haldir: If you must know..I swoon Legolas  
  
SFG: O_O  
  
Haldir: *grins cheekily* Only his fabulous hair of course..and his wonderful good looks..and everything about him..hehe  
  
Merry: . *pulls the mask and the wig and the costume off*  
  
Crying Girl from TTT: MOMMEEEEE! LEGOLAS IS NAKEE!  
  
Haldir/Legolas: NO! I'm not Legolas! *gets a fluffy pink bathrobe* I'm serious!  
  
CGfTTT: *sob* He scares me! WHERE'S THE FRYING PAN?  
  
Fmaggot: Mebbe you all need some mushrooms..who STOLE them..?  
  
Denethor: No one cares about me! All you care about are all your little problems..well I  
  
have problems too you know! Boromir is dead *more great racking sobs* Faramir isn't  
  
King (*secretly shouts yay!*) and I'm dead!  
  
Pippin: Eeehhhh shaaaatt up  
  
Gollum: Precious..precious..shut up yes precious..shut the *beep* up!  
  
CGfTTT: He said a BAD word MOMMYKINS!  
  
Gimli: *slaps the little girl* Quiet you! No one is too know that..you realize Andy..errr I mean Gollum has a nasty temper!  
  
Merry: NO, I HAVE A NASTY TEMPER YOU TWIT!  
  
Elf Who Really Is Legolas: *pats the bathrobe*  
  
Random Orc: It's all good man..fluffy bathrobes are da bomb in da Mordor..woot...  
  
Legolas: Not so!  
  
Gollum: Precious..preciouss..  
  
Denethor: *is still crying* Does no one care for me? *everyone shouts NO!* FINE! Then I'm leaving! *runs out screaming and slams the door as everyone laughs*  
  
Everyone: Bahaa..!  
  
Gollum: MEH! DENNY! Where'd ya GOOO?  
  
SFG: O_O Wha..what? Gollum?  
  
Gollum: Errrrr..precious..precious..  
  
Gimli: That's better.. scared moi for a second  
  
CgfTTT: EEEPPS that was French!  
  
SFG: *does not want to get into things like French in this session* Bye bye now! *giggles girlishly* 


	4. Chapter Fourthe randomness sets in

Sorry for not updating in a while!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Part One of Chapter Four is here!!!!

SHG: Hi everyone! Welcome to my self help classes once again! Now all talk among yourselves and let your feelings flow..let your chi flow around you and make the chili inside boil..then the hormones start raging! Thank you. giggle  
  
Eowyn: ...shut up! I hate you!  
  
Denethor: It doesn't matter. Nothing matter we're all going to die anyway so WOOT party! Bring on the girls!  
  
Grima: Aww Denny I didn't know you cared!  
  
Frodo: Eww Grimykins that is so GROOOOOOOOOSS! How could you even, like, even, like, think of something like that?! brushes hair  
  
Sam: Frodo....glare  
  
SHG: So it seems as if most of you are having emotional problems..pessimistic..optimistic..teenageish..evilness....pervertedness..lu st..that's normal for the chili inside though! Let the chili run through your veins..then all will feel better.  
  
Galadriel: Wow that totally works! hugs everyone in the room  
  
Eowyn: Hey back off ferret head!  
  
SHG: Now now..no fighting ladies   
  
Sam: SHG...glare  
  
Saruman: MWAHAHAHAHAHAAH my plan is working!  
  
Arwen: wakes up Huh?? What did I miss?  
  
SHG: You need to stay awake lamby-kins or you're going to miss the aura of self help my chili like class gives you. nods  
  
Aragorn: Heck this is boring momeeeeeee!! I want SUGAR! and COOKIES! SUGARY SNACKS AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Theoden: hands everyone a free pair of underwear  
  
Aragorn: Ooh yay! Undies!  
  
Sam: Aragorn..glare  
  
Saruman ::is muttering:: My plan is working..yesss working..precious..  
  
Frodo: Huh?! What was that Saruman?  
  
Saruman: Uhhhhhhhh..candy gram?  
  
SHG: is not noticing any of this See how much better you're feelings? Isn't this grand all of us sitting down figuring out our problems?   
  
Frodo: pulls off the fake mask Like, it's like, GOLLUM!  
  
Sam: You nasty little wretch! glare  
  
everyone gasps loudly and the DUN DUN music plays

LOL I'm really sorry this is so short but that's why it is only Part 1!


End file.
